Flying Han Solo

The dawn of my departure quickly approaches. If you have not heard through the grapevine or Jamal's blog I will be flying solo when I ease out the clutch this Saturday morning. Jamal departed San Pedro a week ago last Saturday and is already making his way out of Columbia. When we rendezvoused in Tucson I think it was immediately apparent that we were on very different paths. Shortly after entering Mexico my intuition told me that the time would come where I would need to honor my own path and my own needs. I knew it would not be long before our two separate journeys could no longer follow the same path. The long days riding through Mexico proved to be a painful experience for me. After many hours on the bike my back and neck seared with fiery pain, perhaps a physical manifestation of an unmet internal need to slow down and feel the ocean sand between my toes, to feel the winds kiss upon my bare cheek, and to allow the symphony of mother earth to lull me into a sense of soulful contentment. Oh yes, the time for me to come to grips with the reality of riding alone was approaching more rapidly than I felt I could handle.

Barely one week before I had entered a realm of discomfort worse than any altitude induced headache or nightlong vomiting session in a cramped mountaineering tent. I rolled across a border into another world, an alien landscape, filled with beings with whom I could not even begin to communicate. The discomfort and fear penetrated my being. I felt like a small child without the comfort of daddy’s leg to clutch and peek around with shy eyes at the strangers before me. I did, however, have the comfort of a friend to ease the anxiety, without whom I may have turned around right at the border…

After just a few days in San Pedro I felt that this was the place. It would be here that part of the fate of this journey and perhaps our friendship would need to be decided. Here I finally felt like I was beginning to grow in the ways that I needed, and the seeds of independence were sprouting in the form of new language skills. As the week progressed I felt the confusion and anxiety of a partner preparing to break up with his or her lover. Deep within there is a knowing that there will be a great sense of relief once the floodgates of emotion have been unlocked and the dam holding back the gallons of self inflicted unmet needs is finally removed, allowing the contents to spill forth and follow their own path of least resistance.

We met at the coffee shop on Thursday after lunch to make plans for the days or weeks ahead. I made no preparations for this meeting, knowing that my only real calling was to stay in this place regardless of the consequence. For both of us the time of compromising our needs, desires, and our own personal journeys had come to an end. We each discussed our thoughts about the trip to this point and the path that lay ahead. It was probably immediately apparent to each of us that our partnership was over, even if only temporarily, but we still did the dance of two partners reluctantly letting go of the security of the relationship. Over the course of many hours we massaged each other’s fears and anxieties while discussing how our paths would serve us each better if we were alone; an effort to, in a way, make sure neither of us had to feel guilt for abandoning the other. After a long walk, we made plans to get together the next day to say goodbye and perhaps to subconsciously provide ourselves the opportunity to back out of the decision and “get back together”; a decision that would be more sacrifice than compromise…

As I turned and made my way home I thought “I’ll stay two weeks”, a gift to myself while I ease back into the “single life”. I suddenly felt light on my feet like man who just realized that had just freed himself to find his one true love.

This trip never would have come to fruition if we did not have each other. Our planning and riding together was the catalyst to initiate a self sustaining reaction. I am grateful that we had the combined drive and courage to get to this place together. I am more grateful that we found the courage to follow our hearts.

The path ahead is unknown. I believe that I am alone because I am meant to be alone in this time and place. At no other point in my life have I been truly alone and felt comfortable or successful. This time is a gift, an opportunity to look within and be at peace what I discover. In this place I have felt neither a sense of excitement nor sadness, just a sense of being in the present where yesterday is merely the past and tomorrow is but a distant speck on the horizon, too small to make sense of with the naked eye.

On Saturday morning my map will be securely fastened to my tank bag and my compass will be pointing toward Tikal but the real route is that which is mapped in my heart. Each mile will mark a new depth on the journey within.

I'll travel safe...the force is strong in this one...

Thanks for reading.

Keep me in your hearts and prayers as you are in mine.

Love
Jay