For me, there is awkwardness in writing. It is the stuff of soul exposure, such a delicately uncomfortable medium for self expression. In the moments that I write I find myself fully involved yet truly disliking the experience. It is as if I am fearful of what I may make real before my own eyes. Perhaps my mind is not ready for the truths of my soul or my mind fears what will happen if the thoughts, doubts, or dreams materialize in this physical reality on a piece of electronic papyrus. Even in moments of seemingly genuine self expression there is cautious editing in my words. There is fear of what I might later find myself reading. There is fear that my inner truths are not for the eyes and ears of others, that I will bring them pain, or heartache, or even feelings of disgust. My secret internal dialogue remains hidden among the codified paragraphs that I jot down in a lame attempt for others to share my experiences. Writing is a nightmarish battle of conflict, a balancing act of exposure and prudish concealment of the inner workings of the mind. I dream of my words as magic, but so often fear that they are fraught with half truths or at least half hearted meanings. Or worse yet, they are empty and devoid of life and meaning. But how does one fully engage in the conversation of the mind and soul without true expression of joy and pain, doubt and courage. I fear that I have not the strength to tear open my heart and write a manuscript in blood and tears. Is self expression selfish expression when it does not take into account the feelings of the audience? I wish my words could be a magical portal into a divine human experience, filled with deep levels of soulful understanding, and unmatched, never before experienced honesty. Instead I find myself struggling to create something that is written in a universally benign language, the Miller Light of writing. My voice is internal dialogue with the volume turned down low so even I need to strain an ear to hear the message. The struggle continues and all the while I hate to write.